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Thursday, 25 April 2013

I'm backkkkk... but did I ever go away?

Hello. I am back in the blogosphere because of procrastination. You see I'm at University full-time at the moment and I really should be researching assignments, reading and taking notes, at the library, mooching around in a v-neck jersey and some tightatthebottom baggy at the bum jeans (trousers for those on the other side of the world, or pants, whatever you like). Just being a student. No... not
a Jeff Spicoli kind of student... one that just wants to get on with their degree and get a job, pay the bills and live happily ever after! Is that so bad?
Okay, okay soo not every student fits the Jeff Spicoli stereotype. But at times it is stressful, there are exams, dodgy marking, annoying and dreary lecturers who bore the students to death... A great example is the role calling teacher in Ferris Buller's Day off it's a fantastic piece of drool inspiring teaching. The kind that needs to be shown to every wannabe teacher in order for them to never be crap! To be fair the lecturer's I have at the University I attend are good, some are great, some make me want to learn stuff that makes peoples eyes roll back in their heads! Like politics! Or or Plato's Cave! So imagine my surprise when I found out there are some really, really, really, like 'totally bad dude' type teachers out there... read on fellow students, read about the worst of the worst!
We’ve all had them, bad teachers. Most of the time their poor performance is limited to laziness, poor skill, or other relatively minor transgressions. Every once in a while though, there comes a teacher who crosses over from “bad teacher” to “worst teacher.” The following are some examples of educators who really had no business in school or around children.
See this site for some truly cringeworthy and repulsive specimens of humanity! Oh and students, if you think that you have a bad lecturer I love to see if your story tops any of the people named above! Grossssssss!!!!!!!!!!!

 Awww look a nice, old, badly dressed man showing a young girl how to hold his weapon... wrong?

 Aha! One simply cannot turn away from the seductive power of social media, popular television ( I know, designed to keep us tuned in via nefarious networks and their dubious polling, bastards) and memes! A man thanks a reader, a man will post again soon... Just say the words 'tastycheese' and a man will help you with your daily dose of procrastination...
Righto:) Back to the studies! See you again soon, Troy of banner 'getbacktoworkorfail'.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

The worst thing humankind has ever invented...

What do you think is the worst thing ever invented? The one thing that has caused the most pain and suffering to the most people in the world?

Look at this picture... This is a modern photograph, carefully and tastefully (note the breasts being carefully covered) and professionally done. It could be called a glamor shot. The model is tanned and athletic looking, ironically healthy and in charge of the situation- even though her pants are a little undone. Personally if I was standing in the near nude with my pants about to fall off I'd put down the gun and do them up. WHAT!!!!! PUT DOWN THE GUN!
Are you mad?! Look at the beauty, the power, the perfection... of the gun. The most famous of them all: The AK47.
Is this the most dangerous thing ever invented?

Estimated numbers of AK-type weapons vary. The Small Arms Survey suggest that "between 70 and 100 million of these weapons have been produced since 1947."[69] The World Bank estimates that out of the 500 million total firearms available worldwide, 100 million are of the Kalashnikov family, and 75 million are AK-47s.[70] Only about 5 million of these were manufactured in the former USSR.[71] Because AK-type weapons have been made in other countries, often illicitly, it is impossible to know how many really exist.[72] Mikhail Kalashnikov addressed the United Nations in 2006 at a conference aimed at solving the problem of illicit weapons, saying that he appreciated the AK-47's role in state-sponsored defense but that counterfeit weapons carrying his name in the hands of "terrorists and thugs" caused him regret...

These weapons are super cheap too... 

Throughout the world, the AK and its variants are among the most commonly smuggled small arms sold to governments, rebels, criminals, and civilians alike, with little international oversight. In some countries, prices for AKs are very low; in Somalia, Rwanda, Mozambique, Congo and Tanzania prices are between $30 and $125 per weapon, and prices have fallen in the last few decades due to mass counterfeiting. Moisés Naím observed that in a small town in Kenya in 1986, an AK-47 cost fifteen cows but that in 2005, the price was down to four cows indicating that supply was "immense".

$30 dollars or fifteen cows! Wow. What a bargain, if you had fifteen cows or $30 dollars... Still, it's nice to know that if you are about to be shot and killed, some money or cows were possibly traded for your life.
But I don't think the AK47, for all it's inhumane uselessness, is the worst invention humankind has ever invented. There are so many things that we have invented for the purpose of killing people, the robotic cow is one such item! Such a stupid idea... so utterly pointless were it not for the fact it is real and it is being tested. What about bombs? They are pretty good at destroying stuff? What about A-bombs...

I mean come on that's some pretty good destruction right there huh? But although there was mass destruction and wholesale carnage, only a mere 400,000 or so people perished. It's probably fair to say that millions of people have died as a result of Mr Kalashnikov's competition winning weapon.

There is one thing more deadly than Atomic bombs and AK47's. One thing that inspires humanity to act in the most selfish and stupid ways... No, not politics, although to be fair it would have to be close to the top of the list, no the one thing people crave and will do anything for: yes even design nukes and machine guns... MONEY.
Money is the worst thing humanity has ever invented.

See above the picture. One duck, one lucky old white duck, rolling around in all his money. While some watch and wonder... Money... The wars the world have suffered during the last two thousand years have killed an estimated 2 billion people. In our minds, power is commensurate with money. If you have money you are powerful, you are successful, you can be dominant and not be dominated.

Money. Sure there is the quasi-religious theme that money is the root of all evil... Perhaps they (whoever those mysterious and shadowy figures are) are right, perhaps money is the worst thing humanity has ever invented...
Right, I'd better go pay the bills and look for some work, before I lose it all.

Monday, 27 August 2012

The Answer to Gay Marriage...

There is an answer to gay marriage. It's deceptively simple and will attract followers rather than haters. The answer? Simple, change the word "GAY" to "HAPPY". Easy.

After all, aren't humans supposed to be at their best if they are truly happy? And if some people of the same sex want to get married then surely that would make them happy, no? Of course it would. Perhaps the best way to sell this concept to any detractors out there is to use the economy as a great example of why people are best when they are happy. Take a read of this inspirational quote and let me know how you could possibly disagree...
We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Okay, so it's not exactly the quote I was after, but you get the gist. Happiness is a choice. People argue about gay being a choice. Possible for some it might be, mostly for many it probably isn't.
So let gay people be happy, and if they want to marry, whats the problem? Well... it is plain and clear to see, two thousand years of propaganda by the church, that's the problem. Like the last line from the above quote, the church is afraid. It is afraid because it see's itself as the preeminent holder of knowledge of the human condition. Sadly it could be no more wrong than to stick with this outdated and narrow minded approach. The church is scared because people are making their own decisions! People are making their choices and the church doesn't like that it is no longer needed. Fair enough I say. Let the narrow minded among us seek guidance from myth and fantasy, let them use faith as their spear and shield. They are still wrong. Like I said, two thousand years of propaganda and more importantly, being in control.

 See... The woman waits while the man goes and works. The man is in charge. God is a man therefore the man must remain in charge, this is why the church is scared. The man is not in charge you see. Two men or two women break this ridiculous mold into tiny pieces! By giving people CHOICE the church are no longer in charge! Being gay, choice or not, is something people become happy with. And why not? Happiness is the most important thing, right? Well, what does the church say about happiness????
 sparked hope in those who have wanted the Church to change its stance with regard to gay people...
“In the case of irregular situations, such as couples who move in together, divorcees who remarry and same-sex couples, we as pastors have to stand firm and uphold the teachings of the Church Scriptures; not because we are fideists but because we believe that these teachings represent the road to happiness. And we must try and help everyone to lead a life that is in accordance with these teachings.” Schönborn: “Catholic morality is the path towards happiness”
Hmmm... See. Only their way is the way to happiness! Darn... If the church has already used the word happiness in their ranting then they probably own that too. Oh well, gay it is then! Oh and to all and any churchy people out there who disagree, well, that's your choice isn't it? I'm not making you so please, don't make other people. It's just not fair!


Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Optimism in the face of massive uncertainty!

Uh oh... what happens when a superpower with decades of cheating, lying and manipulation meets a older, wiser, but often younger and savvier more patient just getting their foothold-superpower? THEY JOIN FORCES...
In the coming months, discussions on economic policy will be increasingly overshadowed by the political calendars in the two countries, which herald a gradual hardening of positions and less room for maneuver on both sides. This makes it unlikely we will see any major policy shifts in the bilateral relationship, unless dictated largely by domestic political and economic circumstances.

The two countries are increasingly dealing with each other on an even footing and recognize that collaboration is in their mutual long-term interests. However, there lies a rocky road ahead, as domestic economic and political priorities and constraints drive the short-term dynamics of this relationship.
Collaboration is in their mutual long-term interest! These words send shivers down my cold, bumpy spine. What happens when a crooked ill-meaning sheriff meets a powerful kung-fu sorcerer?
That's right. Shitty Americanized kung-fu! Phooey! What we will all get is a hybridized version of what it means to be oriental. We will be fed orientalised orientalism! The coming years will in fact be worse than the fifties and sixties when, in America, the gunfighter was boss. That dusty bad-ass in his cowboy hat and old (usually suspiciously new looking though) boots. Riding into some hick town, all ready to clean up and take out the trash. It was all so simple! The good guy wore a white hat usually, the bad guy had a black hat! Guess who won most of the time? Yup, old goodie. Usually spouting off some moral cowboy goodness in a husky voice, reminiscent of a trusted grandfather, you know the one, the one who died of throat cancer from all those Marlborough lights! Ahhhh the naive simplicity.
NOW WHAT"S GOING TO HAPPEN??? HUH!!!!! I mean come on. How long has the popular press played up, or down depending on which side of the fence you are on, the Chinese menace? The yellow peril? AND NOW THEY ARE GOING TO JOIN FORCES!!!!!!! So now we will have a hello kitty culture meeting the best kind of teacher, Mr Consumerism. And they are going to go at it in the broom closet like there is no tomorrow! These two countries joining forces will make collective world leaders wince, like all the "real" cowboys did when they were outed on that really popular movie, Brokeback Mountain: No not the one underneath... The Funny cartoon Bunny one!
 I know, I know... What's Borat got to do with anything? Well... Look how ridiculous they are together! These two movies go together like Nixon and the impeachment process! CLANG.

Can you imagine the looks of horror on anyone's faces if Bush senior was asked to host a dinner for the Chinese premier? "Sir... I will eat almost all of any flying bird, but Sir, I will not eat the feet!" That's when wen would use a ninja skill to flatten the ex-presidents ugly nose!
But I digress... there are more serious issues here.

If these two countries join forces and work together to corner the market on everything, lets face it, clothes, entertainment (tech stuff I mean not Bieber :( Oh no he's American isn't he... ohhhh), cars and all manner of items in our daily possession or commonly used will be made overseas on the cheap using cheap, slave labor, in hot sticky sweatshops! Oh... they already are? YAYYYYYYY :) What's the point of really being worried then? Huh??? Perhaps those cowboy Levis might get a little cheaper, or a little faker (just like the movies and the whole myth!), and perhaps we will all learn real Kung-Fu from bald headed, modest orientals who spout wisdom and drink only tea or whiskey!? Or like the true myth... learn from an American who died from hanging himself off a door whilst pleasuring himself!  The only real problem with the two biggest myth makers in history becoming bedfellows is just that... what myth will they propagate? Who will become the enemy, whose wisdom will we be expected to follow? Oh well, lets just try and be optimistic about it... Perhaps it won't be too bad after all... Ahahahahahahahahahaha....

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

We are what we eat, read, watch and say...

When this happens, worry... This is a great example of all the modern afflictions we suffer!

For a start, this example of text might not even be real! How can we check? Perhaps it is and the person who was being texted has just spent the umpteenth night in a mental institution, worrying about why and how their mother would be abusing them!

To be fair, if I was the mother of this child, I would be more worried about the spelling and meaning of the words this child uses! For those who aren't sure, a 'wat' is a Buddhist temple from Thailand. Not a questioning word! Dumb ass. And what is the mom doing? For gods sake, is she driving while texting? Is she doing some healthy choc-chip baking or wat? Telling your child you are going to LICK them out... jeez... If spelling and meaning begins to fly out the proverbial window, wat will happen long term? For a guess, lets say things will get worse. Txt spk 4 xmpl is something that grates my cheese! Okay, if you are in a rush, then there are times when shortcuts can be made... But if you are on a social networking site like Facebook, for example, the conversations that go on there are simply abominable.
It's a similar thing with fashions. Once shortcuts begin to appear, they become accepted and ingrained. Usually for the worse. Who can forget flared trousers, the cardigan, pearls or geek chic?

Sadly, all these things (and worse) are making a comeback. Threatening us with their hideousness, their shapelessness, their pastel colors and ribbed collars. Yuk!!!!! EVEN worse though are the crossover crim styles that seem to have been made popular via hip-hop music and disaffected urban youth, young and old, rich and poor...   

A new state law in Florida recently went into effect for the 2011-2012 school year banning the practice of sagging while at school. Pupils found in violation will receive a verbal warning for the first offense, followed by parental notification by the principal for the second offense, which will require the parent to bring a change of clothing to school. Students would then face in-school suspension for the third (and later) violations. Several US airlines have also reportedly kicked flyers off of flights for wearing pants too low. In June 2011, The University of New Mexico football player Deshon Marman was removed from a U.S. Airways flight bound for Albuquerque, New Mexico for wearing sagging pants. This was followed a few months later when Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight from Oakland to Burbank, California for wearing saggy pants...
Crikey! What happens when BOTH are mixed together though?! A sad mix of gormlessness and stupidity. Wat u men? As the trousers are being pulled up... usually in the line of McD's or any other crappy fat inducing, health threatening eatery or establishment. We have to ask why? Why does stupidity, health and fashion often attract such epic failures in the human gene pool? Is it a statement? Is it a fight against the system, the man? No... it's only one thing, stupidity, idiocracy and complete mongrelitis (that genetic affliction of mullets, undercuts, bad grooming and awesomely deadly diet!).
There is a movie called "idiocracy"... I would suggest, to everyone reading, go rent a copy. Watch and make notes... If your neighbor or best friend begins to water their garden, while wearing lowriding jeans, with gatorade, run for cover!  

Friday, 13 July 2012

Pimples on the ass of the World!

The World... It's what we live on, a huge ball made up of molten hot lava and magma, a massively thick crust (which moves in mysterious ways!!!) and layers of water, oil, gold, marshmallow and dirt. Okay, so there's no layer of gold. The thing is, we live on this incredible living thing, yet we treat it no better than a diseased dog or a sale price prostitute at 5 in the morning. We suck. Humanity has evolved to a point where it is dubious that those in power really care. Those same people are utilizing belief patterns and modes of thought that have become ingrained in us since as far back as Locke and Hobbs first appeared on the scene. We are in a struggle to find that balance of good and worse, bad and really bad. What the people want is a life that is free, what we are being told is that we are all savages in serious need of some professional care! And the governments worldwide will do this for us!
Take Plato's cave as an example of what is happening in the world. We, the unwitting public, are fed pictures and images via television, film, the internet, mobile devices and they may not be real. What we believe as a reality may in fact be nothing more than a show, orchestrated by puppet masters who tell doyens in any given field, what to show us. We may not even know who these mysterious and shadowy puppet masters are... Or if they exist at all.

Observe, Glaucon, that there will be no injustice in compelling our philosophers to have a care and providence of others; we shall explain to them that in other States, men of their class are not obliged to share in the toils of politics: and this is reasonable, for they grow up at their own sweet will, and the government would rather not have them. Being self-taught, they cannot be expected to show any gratitude for a culture which they have never received. But we have brought you into the world to be rulers of the hive, kings of yourselves and of the other citizens, and have educated you far better and more perfectly than they have been educated, and you are better able to share in the double duty. Wherefore each of you, when his turn comes, must go down to the general underground abode, and get the habit of seeing in the dark. When you have acquired the habit, you will see ten thousand times better than the inhabitants of the cave, and you will know what the several images are, and what they represent, because you have seen the beautiful and just and good in their truth. And thus our State which is also yours will be a reality, and not a dream only, and will be administered in a spirit unlike that of other States, in which men fight with one another about shadows only and are distracted in the struggle for power, which in their eyes is a great good. Whereas the truth is that the State in which the rulers are most reluctant to govern is always the best and most quietly governed, and the State in which they are most eager, the worst.  

OR... are we being double duped? Kings of yourselves? Huh???? In our world there are only a few kings. Is this wrong??? Why can't we all be kings? Well the truth is, we can. Because being a King or a Queen is something that is purely imagined. WE ALL CAN RULE.  We are perhaps discovering this paradox. That we can rule, that Kingdoms are imagined (see all the uprisings in the middle east for example) and that perhaps, just perhaps, we have parted the wool that for so long has been pulled over our eyes. That those in charge have only one thing, okay it is a biggie, military might. We all know that military intelligence is an oxymoron. That many in the armed forces are in fact morons!

 Which is very, very scary! For us that is... For the masters of this unknown world we live in, thinking about changing power, be it political, economic, social or even petrol, gives them the shivers.
That's because they think we cannot rule ourselves...
That's because they think they know better...
That's because they don't want everyone to be free, literate...
That's because they want to keep their money...
That's because they want to keep their power...
That's because they want us to stay dumb...
That's because the minerals in the grounds of the countries we live in should be used to feed and clothe us... not make them rich...

Kings. When America and Americans and British and monarchs worldwide realize that we know that they are nothing really more than a vivid imagination... well one thing is for sure, all those in power, all those who believe we cannot rule our lives, all those who think they can tell us one thing while doing another... yep that one thing is that they will still believe that we, the people who help keep them in power, are nothing more than pimples on the backside of the world!

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Why coming home and blogging is fun..

After Four and a half months in tropical Fiji, I am home.

I live in the South Island of New Zealand and this time of the year it is freezing cold! Ah the joys of travel and study. I had been wearing shorts, sandals (we call them jandals here in NZ) and tee shirts and now I've graduated to fleecy hoodies, trousers, socks and shoes (yuk!) and some nice new ugg boots. Oh, not to forget a wollen hat or beanie, although I think they are called 'touque' in Canada.  Leaving Fiji was sad. I made many friends and it was especially hard to tear myself away from the tropical sea I love so much. Having a surf in 25 degree water is pretty special... The sea water temperature here is about 9 degrees at the moment. That's actually not too bad, it's the minus two air temp in the morning that really tightens my nuts! On the west coast of the South Island, this wind is called 'the barber' because in the winter it cuts right through you! BRRRRRRRRR. I was especially happy to see my girlfriend Eve, she had been doing it tough while I was away. Enjoying bags of chocolates and lots of wine. I'm sure she was pleased to see me though:) My faithful hound Fin gave me a rather underwhelming welcome back...
The look of love, or simply begging for a sultana... hairy bastard.

Although he did give me many licks, showed me his latest stick and presented both his mighty balls and a watery shart for me to inspect. Lovely boy. Our other dog, Nui, was much more appreciative of my absence. Gently snuffling my ear and making noises that I'm sure were the closest she could get to 'Oh my god welcome home, I'm sooo glad to see you, rub my tummy, rub my back, pat me on my head... more ooo more... oh yes oh yes that's the spot right there!'

The benefits of travel ay! Oh, and although I put as the caption for the photo there, something about sultana's, before I get lynched by the SPCA or Doglovers anonymous, I KNOW that sultanas are bad for dogs. It was just a clever trick by me to get him to pose for the camera, so calm the hell down thank you. I also found this wonderful quote ,regaling anyone who cares, about the joys of travel...
“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese
Because to come home, first you must go away. That is what I have done. The heat pump blows warm air into the lounge, protecting from the chill of the cold wintery south west wind as it slices through the clothing of anyone silly enough to under-dress. It merely make the memories of the past four and a half months all the more precious. When you are in a foreign land you miss your home, when you meet strangers they become new friends, when you get home you remember where you have been.

 So I'd like to say a huge thank you to all who I have met during my travels and studies while in Fiji, I want to say thank you to Eve for holding the fort while I was away and for all the dramas she had to endure while on her own. I wish all the best to everyone studying for the future, whatever it may hold, and best of all... I look forward to future travels and future homecomings and of course... Rum! HAhaaaaaa...